To begin I will share a story.
There was a time in my life when I was extremely self concious about being who I am in front of other people. I think Ive conquered this in most situations, BUT I have found myself on occasion stepping back and discretely hide what is true to me. true to halie. One of these situations happened recently. I was forced to enroll in a driver improvement class. One eight hour crash course (no pun intended) in how to be THE safest and most responsibile driver. I was in this hell hole with 4 other victims of the system being forced to watch lengthy films of one car accident (correction: Car crash) after another. Kindof dehumanizing if you ask me, but no one was asking me. so we watched. well without boring you with too many details Ill tell you about two friends I made. You can’t go through a traumatizing experience like driver improvement without coming out with a couple of friends. Especially when you get a lunch break. Two girls from my class and I drove down to a little lunch hub in downtown for some fries on our break. we would have gotten sandwiches, but we were pretty cheap. I dont know my friends names so it wont be too difficult to keep their identity from you…But one of my friends, lets call her Kristen was our driver. Funny thing is she was in D.I. for having a suspended liscense…and she drove herself to class high. But that aside Kristen was a smart cool girl. My other friend was 29 and a mother of three. She was also there for a suspended liscence but she was really smart, and she drove herself to class but parked a good distance away at a Roses. sly. Lets call this friend Amber. Amber stripped at a strip club somewhere and used that money to provide for her three children and buy the three of us some lunch. She told me: sure, her way of earning money wasnt respectable to some people, but anytime she had the opportunity to give to any charity or cause she gave all she could. I dont doubt her.
Well they shared some dirty laundry with me. I dont know why they let me in, but I felt privilaged. They told me things they’d done that they werent proud of. They told me about just getting by and how they learned the most important lesson you can learn in life “You cant trust anyone.” I didn’t argue. I didn’t argue because from their stories and past experiences there was no reason for them to believe anything different. There came a point where they looked at me and said they wanted to get me high so I’d tell them what I was like. ANd I thought about all the times I was so happy to talk about myself. I always secretly think that when I open my mouth people should hear what I have to say about myself, because its gonna mean something to them. Well I felt like nothing. These women were naked before me, theyd been vulnerable and put themselves out for judgement and I wasn’t willing to give an inch. I guess theres a lot of reasone for this and i havent exactly sorted that out yet, but I know one thing- I didnt want to be myself then.
What followed my conversation with them was horrible and infuriating. It was a sunday afternoon so some people started coming in to the lunch place after getting out of church. Their children had on sweater vests and clip on ties and the men wore suits, the women hats and make-up. Well Amber had on make-up, but they were different. I knew these people. They were from my church. But when they passed me and my friends in the smoking section they looked at me but didnt acknowledge they knew me. They kept walking, kept their distance. If they had stopped to talk to me they’d have to acknowledge my friends too. They couldn’t be seen talking to them. Amber leaned into and wispered into my ear:
“Thats the church people. Thats how they always look at me, ya know, like Im trash, but ya know thats okay, because I know thats what I am.”
I felt embarssed to know the “church people” but the truth is thats who I am more often than not. And I felt privilaged to be sitting with these two women. Two women who were exactly who they truely were with me. As for the church people who would not associate themselves with these women, I wish the way they looked at those two women was not associated with the way the church looks at those women. Because thats wrong. The “church people” must have forgotten the story of the adultress woman, the woman of ill-repute who washed Jesus’ feet with perfume, Paul the sinner who was called to establish the church. They must have forgotten who Jesus spent his time with.
That day I fell in love with Jesus a little more. Because of my friends, the two honest women. Because Jesus understands them, would sit with them, would eat with them, would serve them, would wash their feet, would kiss their faces and tell them they were his love. Because Jesus loves the church- the body of broken people. not the building or the make-up or the sewater vests. he loves the naked vulnerable people. He loves the church.
